C'mere little boy...want some candy?

I think that Firefly (see post #1) had just figured out the candy store during our 8 or 9 week encounter.  Or maybe I am in denial - he was possibly in the candy store when we met :-|  

For a monthly fee, you can log on fairly anonymously and see all the lovely ladies, many post lots of pictures because we KNOW you guys like to look at pictures.  Bla bla bla, 5'x", blonde, brunette, red,  whatever.  She's dreamy.  You write, she writes, maybe you talk, weeee fun.

The initial stages of e-mails can be a bit of fantasy communications on-line and over e-mail and even the phone can be quite alluring.  Trying to meet face to face, let your guard down, and see your candy in the light of day is a whole 'nother thing.  How often I have seen on a guys profile "if you don't have a picture or if it is from 10 years ago - forget it"?  As often as the gals say "if you lie or are not the person you say you are, forget it".  Do I look different?  I thought you loved my soul...

No games?  Dating is a bit of a game - don't kid yourself.  Lot's of unwritten rules.  Don't be too aggressive nor too passive.  Neither too needy nor too aloof.

I did the dating game for a short while early in the my online experience (7 years now), but what I'm really hoping for is to not to need to juggle men on a site or in real life.  I'll play a while but I look for is enough of the brain / heart / mojo connection with one guy and see where that goes.  I don't want to have to review my rule books and determine if I should go out with bachelor #2 because he didn't call in time (call by Wednesday for a date this weekend).  You'd have to read the rules to understand.  

This current round of seeking a mate has been interesting.  I am dating nicer, older, larger, shorter,  not of my religion, may even try a widower - stepping out of my comfort zone or my "list" - to cast off old rules and welcome new ones.  Everybody is playing nice right now.

The candy store has proven addictive for many.  It is a proven fact that having more options does not lead to better or quicker decisions...possibly more games.

I'd like to graduate this year from the online world.

And I can quit any time I want to.... ;-)

This time after my train wreck, as I usually do - I invested in me:

Books (pricing is for physical book, not for kindle or audio):

The Tao of Dating; The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible - $40

- by Ali Binazir, MD

- this is a must read for all women, whether dating or not.  He has a version for men as well.  Sound wisdom to love yourself, investing in yourself so you always feel love for yourself regardless what happens, and to be ready for the vision of who you want to be with.  Only then can you be ready to love him.  Just like on the airplane - save yourself, then you can save others.  Offers online supplemental information, blog, and willingness to take questions and give sound advice (on his blog)

All The Rules - time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right - $10

- by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

- scary, and lots of work - but worth a read and deciding if these rules can and should work for your personal style

The Rules for Online Dating - capturing the heart of Mr. Right in cyberspace - $10

- by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

knowing what I already know about online dating, very valid suggestions about how long to stay online and how much to put in an online profile

Meeting your Half-Orange - an utterly up beat guide to using dating optimism - $10

-by Amy Spencer 

-In progress reading this; recognizing who you are and imagining who your other half is and allowing yourself to be the other half to this wonderful man you want to attract

Mr. Unavailable & the fallback girl - $30

- by Natalie Lu

- This book is a little depressing if you realize you have attracted this type before or at least can't see the red flags that your guy is one of these.  Even more depressing if you think you might be the fallback girl.  But what a great wake up to determine you can get your power back and not be this person.

Why Men Love Bitches - $10

- by Sherry Argov

- have only browsed this so far but mom sat with it while dad and I looked over some of their finances and said it looked like some good, solid information.

The Mastery of Love - $12

- by Don Miguel Ruiz

- I just loved The Four Agreements and figured if I was going to love myself a little more - learning more about real love in general would be in order.  Such peaceful wisdom to offer. 

Total - $122

Other "therapy"

Salsa lessons - 4 weeks plus countless social hour dancing, $400.

Extra yoga or spinning classes - $165

Relationship coaching - Dating with Dignity; Beyond the Romantic Rut - 6 weeks of group coaching, The Law of Being series CD's, workbook and journal.  Plus 2 30 minute coaching sessions.  $900.

Membership to 3 months of POF, Match.com, eHarmony and Zoosk - after years of using my church focused sites LDSMingle and LDSPLanet.  Probably $200

- I will give my feedback on each soon.

Prayers - countless spoken prayers on my knees, standing in the woods or at the edge of the cliff at the ocean with a prayer in my heart to help me learn from this experience - FREE

Total books and other therapy = $1,787

There are tons of lonely people looking for love.  We pay money every month to find this elusive thing.  Others are lonely but aren't really ready for the effort.  In this modern age with all the technology we have - I do not really believe cyberspace brings us closer.

Of the dating information out there - the Tao of Dating comes closest to giving good ideas to really meet and find people.

My prayers bring the best answer - not to give up - but to keep looking for self love and love of others

Heard from Caltrain today

...and on most mornings, to the annoyance of many, starting at roughly 7:25 am PST and continuing until about 8:03 am.  Two middle aged chicks lamenting their respective online dating experiences; and one of them is me. 

SVflowerchild profile:  51 year old female, never been married, several train wreck dating experiences, many underwhelming "meh" experiences and probably 2x real 2 way love. Lots of breaks in-between the flops.  Stats: SF Bay Area native, project manager, over educated, strong personality (outside), own home, 2 cats.  Ah HA! all the things the experts say are the causes of singleness (the more educated the woman = least likely she will have to be married, bla bla blahh).  Online dating experiences since 2004 - ldsmingle, ldsplanet, fusion101, POF, match.com, eHarmony.  At this writing - 4 ldrs, many pen pals, and a few casual local dates. The 20's & 30's were all accidental, experimental, friends of friends - what I would call normal dating stuff.  Dating in mid-life with the online candy store as the new market - makes this a whole new game.  Ok, you got my attention - what can I learn.

NY25mph profile:  47 yo female, feature writer and journalist (she can get you published), divorced, survivor, boxing and kickboxing queen, great attitude, one very loved daughter - online dating experiences since 2010 has been a major learning experience - both of herself and men.

This blog will share with you some of the learning.  No real names are used and some of this has to be made up (at least I hope it is).

At my train stop and we began talking about 5 months ago.  Daily NY25mph shares her newest "fish" stories from plenty of fish and me - mostly just my last train wreck lately:

Firefly (not his real "online handle") was a first year divorcee after a 27 year marriage (go ahead, begin the rant, "why would you even talk with a man just out of a 27 year marriage?)  Well, it gets worse.  We started as pen pals, it was fun.  After 2 weeks of getting to know each other inside - we moved to talking and I did wait for him to make the suggestion.  After 2 more weeks of live talking - I'm sold on the idea of visiting him since he cant come to me for several months (this is kiss of death in the rule book; the guy MUST make the first move and visit the girl).  Duh!  He sends flowers, calls during the day, flirts constantly, insists that he is falling for me.  Then our visit comes for me at week 8 and finally it pops for me.  I asked him not to talk about his other dating with me, he has talked about some of his less than satisfying experiences and I just don't need to know about them. A week later, our talking converts to texts.  I sense a disconnect but let it go - by the time I try to mention his distance to him - he is OUT of pocket.  He sends conflicting e-mails, some about our promising future, but he is focusing on family, or friends, everything is so complicated.  I find him on g-mail and ask him what's going on, can we talk.  He says he will - but 2 hrs later I get a series of text that he is staying with friends and needs time to think.  Several days later - I force him to call me - he doesnt know if he is up for a relationship.

Epilogue:  This learned 2 weeks later - he went on a vacation to visit old friends and date a woman he met online and couldn't tell me because I told him I didn't want to know about his other dating.  Eh?  Lie a little vs lie a lot?  Turns me into the needy chick trying to have a phone convo.  Was I played, was he just emotionally unavailable, I think we're moving onto our next date and he's the guy who just wants to move onto the next thrill - new online dating site and lots more women.  We can't really call it a break-up since it never took flight - what is the word - fizzle?

Next!

In retrospect - he was likely the straw that broke the camel's back in my under-educated hit and miss online dating within my religious world.  In subsequent posts I will expound.

NY25mph and I went to several movies, she endured countless days of me in my post mortem from  Firefly.  She did meet a great fishy from Boston who she correctly determined he was probably moving back home.  They do keep in touch.

In my next post - the list and cost of books I read and self-investments to recover and re-group from the last online dating badventure.  Time to wise up.

If you're reading and have any good recommendations or advice - chime in.

SVflowerchild