Wise Guys

This last year I have spent more time than in my whole dating career thinking about why it seems so difficult to date, mid-life, in our modern times.

The internet does provide an avenue to know the people out there who are hoping to find something; love, dating, marriage, sex, a travel partner.  We have a profile out there - but our lives are so much more difficult than in our 20's and 30's.  Still, we are more in the dark than if we had met them at work, or at a health club, or at a Greenpeace rally where we can get to know someone over time.

Once we do meet after a few phone calls....I have found guys who are divorced and wanting something - but not quite over the relationship (the unique "we" that was created).  He knows he doesn't want to go back with his ex because she was "whatever" and that didn't work out, but maybe the dynamic they had was comfortable and he hasn't actually dealt with that.  The assets are divided, he lives a separate life in a different place, but the kids are now the biggest issue and lawyers are still involved.  I actually overheard someone say, "I just wish he/she would just go away" about the other half - and I'm not sure murder wasn't on this person's mind.  

We might say we have a baggage free life, but if we printed the truth - everyone has some baggage.  Maybe we want to seem normal - not present our issues too soon because getting to know a new person takes time.  To me my life seems normal and to me my baggage is minimal - but to someone else, maybe not so much.

At times in my dating - I have felt like I have too few pieces of the puzzle of my date to make a wise decision if I should hang in there with the person or move on because I can't deal with the bits of information I'm getting.  Maybe he too grumpy, or distant, or maybe I'm just being juggled with other women and he thinks he's being smooth.  Maybe he sees me as needy if I listen to his rants about his situation with the ex.  All my books say "bla bla bla" about this situation.

At some point - I take a step in the darkness and trust myself.

And yes, now I am in the light because I'm not trying to deal with someone else who only shows me what they want to show me.  And it is just me - and I know me.

Or I take the gamble and stick around a while.

It's risky business for each of us

Heard from Caltrain today

...and on most mornings, to the annoyance of many, starting at roughly 7:25 am PST and continuing until about 8:03 am.  Two middle aged chicks lamenting their respective online dating experiences; and one of them is me. 

SVflowerchild profile:  51 year old female, never been married, several train wreck dating experiences, many underwhelming "meh" experiences and probably 2x real 2 way love. Lots of breaks in-between the flops.  Stats: SF Bay Area native, project manager, over educated, strong personality (outside), own home, 2 cats.  Ah HA! all the things the experts say are the causes of singleness (the more educated the woman = least likely she will have to be married, bla bla blahh).  Online dating experiences since 2004 - ldsmingle, ldsplanet, fusion101, POF, match.com, eHarmony.  At this writing - 4 ldrs, many pen pals, and a few casual local dates. The 20's & 30's were all accidental, experimental, friends of friends - what I would call normal dating stuff.  Dating in mid-life with the online candy store as the new market - makes this a whole new game.  Ok, you got my attention - what can I learn.

NY25mph profile:  47 yo female, feature writer and journalist (she can get you published), divorced, survivor, boxing and kickboxing queen, great attitude, one very loved daughter - online dating experiences since 2010 has been a major learning experience - both of herself and men.

This blog will share with you some of the learning.  No real names are used and some of this has to be made up (at least I hope it is).

At my train stop and we began talking about 5 months ago.  Daily NY25mph shares her newest "fish" stories from plenty of fish and me - mostly just my last train wreck lately:

Firefly (not his real "online handle") was a first year divorcee after a 27 year marriage (go ahead, begin the rant, "why would you even talk with a man just out of a 27 year marriage?)  Well, it gets worse.  We started as pen pals, it was fun.  After 2 weeks of getting to know each other inside - we moved to talking and I did wait for him to make the suggestion.  After 2 more weeks of live talking - I'm sold on the idea of visiting him since he cant come to me for several months (this is kiss of death in the rule book; the guy MUST make the first move and visit the girl).  Duh!  He sends flowers, calls during the day, flirts constantly, insists that he is falling for me.  Then our visit comes for me at week 8 and finally it pops for me.  I asked him not to talk about his other dating with me, he has talked about some of his less than satisfying experiences and I just don't need to know about them. A week later, our talking converts to texts.  I sense a disconnect but let it go - by the time I try to mention his distance to him - he is OUT of pocket.  He sends conflicting e-mails, some about our promising future, but he is focusing on family, or friends, everything is so complicated.  I find him on g-mail and ask him what's going on, can we talk.  He says he will - but 2 hrs later I get a series of text that he is staying with friends and needs time to think.  Several days later - I force him to call me - he doesnt know if he is up for a relationship.

Epilogue:  This learned 2 weeks later - he went on a vacation to visit old friends and date a woman he met online and couldn't tell me because I told him I didn't want to know about his other dating.  Eh?  Lie a little vs lie a lot?  Turns me into the needy chick trying to have a phone convo.  Was I played, was he just emotionally unavailable, I think we're moving onto our next date and he's the guy who just wants to move onto the next thrill - new online dating site and lots more women.  We can't really call it a break-up since it never took flight - what is the word - fizzle?

Next!

In retrospect - he was likely the straw that broke the camel's back in my under-educated hit and miss online dating within my religious world.  In subsequent posts I will expound.

NY25mph and I went to several movies, she endured countless days of me in my post mortem from  Firefly.  She did meet a great fishy from Boston who she correctly determined he was probably moving back home.  They do keep in touch.

In my next post - the list and cost of books I read and self-investments to recover and re-group from the last online dating badventure.  Time to wise up.

If you're reading and have any good recommendations or advice - chime in.

SVflowerchild