Little Lies

Recently I was contacted by a guy on Match.com.  59, he said, all grey hair, part-time lawyer, enjoys his City life and yoga and we had several other things in common.

He sent a short e-mail about liking my profile and I responded wanting to know how zen and lawyer and yoga live in the same world?

He asked for my number and suggested we talk (Tuesday)

I respond with my number and throw out a few possibilities for my schedule.  He e-mails 2 days later and suggests we meet for coffee and a walk in a popular SF neighborhood.

I heard nothing from him over the weekend but he did call on Sunday evening when I was out, and left a message.  Something made me want to check his number.  I Googled his digits and find out he is indeed a lawyer, one who has been suspended several times in the last 10 years, he is currently suspended - STRIKE 1 & 2, and that he is in fact 66 - STRIKE 3. On his web site I can see he has 1 rave review - and it seems written by a PR agency.

There is no shock that a lawyer would do some shady things, and it may be true that all is fair in love and war but if a lawyer can't cover his problems and publicly available facts this is not a great lawyer.  No further questions, your honor.

*gavel hits the base*!
Case Closed

Life is Organic

incoming

I have, in my history of dating, had men who come back after a long break.  

We either dated, they thought of me a long while later and contact me; or I think of them and contact them. 
Obviously, things didn't work out but it didn't go so poorly to hate each other.  I don't see it coming so at first I think, "wow, nice"....


I generally don't take this as a long, lost love that needed to come back...I don't want to go backwards.  But I welcome the nostalgia and the opportunity to make nice with someone from the past.

Do I think it will resolve some karma?  Maybe.

Has this ever come back to bite me in the butt?  Yes, but just temporarily.

How about you?  Do some of your people come back and want to say hi?

The most current guy who came back is actually back for a second time.  We met when I was 19, in junior college, and I was friends with a friend of his.  I had nothing serious on my mind for any of them.  I hurt his friend badly - partially because he knew I liked the friend (but not overmuch) and I also only liked him a bit.  They were both nice, we were young and I knew there was a lot of life left before anything serious needed to happen.  The boomerang guy just happens to be able to move on and find his next place easier.

I don't actually have any regrets about this - just pondering something the boomerang said; "life is organic" - you can make it happen or let it happen but it's going to happen.  

What shall I do with this wisdom?

Are you up for the gamble?

Just did some research on playing by rules other than your own in a relationship and found this interesting article written in 1997 by Roger A. Rhoades;  A Licensed professional counselor noted for his expertise in helping people resolve their relationship problems, Dr. Rhoades was the Resident Therapist of The Jenny Jones Show.

Posting the whole article because anything less will leave you hungry for the full meal.

THE RELATIONSHIP LOTTERY 

BY DR. ROGER A. RHOADES

Every year millions of people begin a romantic relationship hoping to win the Relationship Lottery. They say "okay" to an offer for a date, not really sure they want to enter the lottery once again.

I do not know who said that love is for lovers, but I think they were wrong. I think love is for gamblers. The problem is that most people are poor gamblers and lose everything with the roll of the dice. Not only are they poor gamblers, but they continue to gamble in ways that only insure they will lose. Does the fact that they lose at love over and over again persuade them to explore a different pattern of gambling? Heck no! Those losses only encourage them to try harder and more often. Then, there are people who gamble one time, lose, then say that the whole game is rigged and so it is impossible to win. Both approaches are wrong and both create nothing but sore losers.

The only way to have any kind of chance of winning the Relationship Lottery is to know how to play the game so that the odds are in your favor. Very few people today believe that you can win the game of love by chance. The people who still believe in that type of magic are usually called losers or victims. They keep hoping that their boat will come in while they wait for it at the train station. The successful gamblers learn from every little mistake they make. If they were to go over to the train station to look for their boat, they would only do it once. This does not mean that they would quickly learn to go, instead, over to the boat dock, it just means that they would try something different than the train station.

Another trait of successful Relationship Gamblers is that they do not put all their chips on one roll of the dice. They look at different games and place small bets on each game. When they become aware that they are becoming more successful or winning more at one game, they shift over and place higher bets on that game. Another part of this is the trait of the loser. The loser will find one person and put all their energy into that relationship. It does not matter that the chance of them betting on a loser is extremely high. They are in love, and love will always win out. But, if that is the truth, why are there so many relationship losers in the world?

Knowledge is another characteristic of a successful Relationship Gambler. Successful gamblers really study the game. They not only read about gambling, they spend hours and hours watching other successful gamblers. The one attitude they have about knowledge is that no one can ever have enough of it. To continue to have a successful relationship, the learning process can never stop. Knowledge allows gamblers to learn from other gamblers' mistakes without having to make the same mistakes themselves. Knowledge allows the gamblers to think in different ways and make different decisions that give them a better chance for success. Losers devalue knowledge. They say that no one knows them or the person they are in love with. They will say it is their life and they will make mistakes if they want to. Losers never consider the high price of ignorance. They would rather feel the sharp pain of relationship failure than admit they had not taken the time and energy to make an informed relationship decision.

Successful Relationship Gamblers do not play by someone else's rules. They set a standard for themselves and they do not vary from that standard. If, at any time, they are asked to play by someone else's rules or leave the game, they will not debate the issue, they will leave the game. The successful gambler knows that it is easier for someone to cheat if that someone is playing by his or her own set of rules rather than an agreed upon set of rules. Because successful gamblers know that the chances of winning under someone else's rules are slim to none, they are willing to leave the game and wait for another game where the rules are fair and standard. The loser, on the other hand, is willing to go by any set of rules, as long as they are able to play the game. It does not matter that the deck is stacked against them and that they are sure to lose. In a lover's way of thinking, playing the game of love is more important than winning the game of love.

Bad days are part of any successful Relationship Gambler's life. Successful Relationship Gamblers know that it is impossible to win all the time. They realize that even though things might not be going well, if they continue to stay focused on their goals in a relationship, they will eventually win. They do not give up at the first signs of loss. They have already expected the down times and planned for them. They have already encouraged themselves to stay with it until the winning times return. The flip side of this winning attitude is the position that the loser takes. The loser also expects that bad times will come and also plans for them. But, when things go bad for losers, they look for someone or something else to blame. Surely it could not be their fault that they picked someone who would dump them and go off with someone else. If blame does not work, then the loser falls back on Plan Two. Plan Two is, "When the going gets tough, the loser runs out the door." Losers will not be able to weather the bad times. They will move from relationship to relationship to avoid the consequences of a poorly planned bet.

The final trait of successful Relationship Gamblers is the awareness that birds of a feather flock together. They know that if they are going to be a winner in a relationship they are going to have to interact with other winners. They also know that when winners get together in a relationship, then there is no real gambling involved. When a successful Relationship Gambler connects up with another successful Relationship Gambler, together they rise to a different and higher level of relating. The level is called everlasting love. 

Everlasting love is never a gamble, but always a sure bet. The sad and painful life of the loser is also connected with the birds of a feather slogan. If winners connect up with winners, then losers connect up with losers. The sad thing about all this is that the losers believe that opposites attract and that someday a winner will come along and turn them into a winner. This false idea encourages so many people to continue to gamble in a losing pattern, rather than adopt the traits of a successful Relationship Gambler and find the lover they so desperately need and want.

So, ladies and gentlemen, place your bets. Will you be our latest winner or will you join a long line of losers? The choice is yours. You can play by loser rules and lose, you can not play at all and lose, or you can take the time and energy to learn the traits of a winner and take the grand prize home.

Thank you Dr. Rhoades - well played

Advice from an expert: my quest

This last year after a spin-out and lots of doubt; I wrote Hara Estroff Marano, a writer for Psychology Today, after reading a thoughtful article she wrote.  It took her several months to respond and the post will be in the Jan / Feb edition of the magazine, but I thought I should share her wisdom with you.  I am not afraid of exposing myself - I learned a lot this year.

***

Hara
I'm a seasoned dater and attempted a distance romance for the 3rd time and against my better judgement.  Over 2 months, we increased our communications from e-mail, to calls, and texting.  I think over time - more texting than calls but we still kept up every other day or so.  We finally met live, lots of calls the week before, and one week after - some busy stuff came up for him and he kind of dropped out of site.  I was not sure what was going on, by day 3 I started asked questions in text and e-mail (he couldn't / wouldn't call) and probably ended up the clingy girlfriend.  I'm not fond of some of my frantic tone - but I wondered if I did something wrong.  Ultimately, it lead to his thinking he was not up for the relationship.  He also felt I was impatient - and I'd have to agree - towards the end of the week I wondered why we couldn't talk or to set things straight

In your work with others, do distance relationships pose an extra amount of work on the right amount of communication?  Since we only saw each other after 2 months - I did like more communication - but in hind site, that couldn't have gone on for long.  I hate thinking of myself as clingy - but I will have to think about how I could work on this.  What I'm really wondering is if this is fairly common (over communication at first) and if there is any good advice if I ever decide to consider one again.

I could use some good input here.signed.... am I clingy and impatient?

Her response:
Love on the Internet

Starting, developing, and sustaining an online relationship for two months before meeting is actually a high-wire act. But because such relationships are easy to enter, we assume, mistakenly, that they are easy to conduct, which is why so many end badly. But wait—there's much more. Online relationships are almost always a kind of Rorschach test: They are more about ourselves and what we project onto others than what exists objectively. Online relationships are highly seductive because very little personal investment is required to initiate or respond to an online overture. But there's no way of knowing the intentions of the other or their real interest in or ability to invest in a new relationship, and confronting the matter is a sure turn-off. Is this person sincerely seeking a connection—or just testing the appeal of some facet of personality to see how others react? Is the person acting out of boredom or convenience or is there, somewhere ahead, a true desire for commitment? And as easily as someone clicked on, that's how easily someone can click off. Next! The hazards imposed by the extremely low barrier to entry can, however, be considerably surmounted. It takes moving communication forward at a measured, your turn/my turn pace, with equal contributions by both parties over time, so that the relationship isn't one-sided and therefore isn't illusory.

But that's not what usually happens. Online romances can feel quite thrilling (and some people engage in them just for such thrills, over and over again) because they tend to move very quickly at first; the cloak of anonymity encourages people to reveal a great deal about themselves without emotional restraint, and, very often, one party is doing much more of the revealing while the other is merely reacting or, worse, just an audience for the performance of the other. As Israeli philosopher Aaron Ben-Ze'ev puts it in his classic book, Love Online: Emotions on the Internet, there is a price to pay for attempting to conduct a relationship by solitary means—"the risk of being captured by your own desire."

Yet, for relationships of any kind to work at all, there generally has to be equality of investment every step of the way. Online, attachment develops separately and independently to differing degrees and at differing speeds in each party's imagination; there are no mutually experienced signals that normally regulate feelings, disclosures, behavior. Absent in-person contact, there is no meeting of the eyes, no means of developing a shared understanding of the degree of affection engaged or where each person may have a chance of fitting in the other's life. Each person is free to dwell in his and her own fantasies, to indulge emotions and project emotional needs onto the invisible other—without awareness that such events are going on at all—while deepening an investment in a relationship that...well, isn't quite yet a relationship. (And some people seem to prefer that kind of relationship to the greater demands and complexities of real social involvement.) Yet the strange mix of physical distance and emotional closeness keeps ratcheting up the intensity. Because online relationships are such a novel development in the history of humanity—a genuinely new kind of interpersonal experience enabled by technology, Ben-Ze'ev contends—our own emotional systems are totally unprepared for dealing with all their contradictory elements.

Another challenge to the development of relationships online is that electronic communication compresses time so that waiting three days for a response feels like something has gone radically off track. That, of course, only encourages your own anxieties to work overtime jumping to dire conclusions, and leads you to behave in desperate ways to preserve what seems threatened, which you may regard as a relationship but which may be far from having emotional traction yet for the other person.

All of which is to say, yes indeed, distance relationships impose a huge and largely hidden burden on communication from the start. Sadly, what you describe is a trajectory of ascending then declining investment—from email, to calling, to texting. Texting is almost the ultimate in communication convenience and not great for establishing a relationship. The medium is not conducive to articulating thoughts or feelings. As minimal is the psychic investment it requires, the time investment it demands is even lower—waiting for a light to change is enough for firing off a message. Any communication pattern that quickly settles into texting in lieu of other more participatory forms of engagement should set off alarm bells about interest level. In other words, there were signs that your relationship was downtrending before you and your friend even met. But it's difficult to countenance that when you're whipped up emotionally and high on the fumes of expectations. A smarter way to conduct an online relationship is to regularly test the continuing interest of the invisible other—by not rushing to respond to each communique and allowing the other person the opportunity to reach out and contact you. Had you recognized the signals, you could have saved yourself a lot of the disappointment you wound up experiencing and at least salvaged your dignity by not behaving in ways you despise.

But stop beating yourself up. Your friend was out of the relationship before he was ever in it. His withdrawal didn’t hinge on your clinginess or impatience; those became convenient excuses; it started much earlier. And it most likely resulted from the ease with which he was able to make contact online while you were doing most of the heavy lifting.

It's far easier to use electronic communication as a way of staying in touch with someone you already know well. You don’t have to give up the hope of finding love online. You just have to approach it with intelligence and reasonable restraint. Because online relationships pose the built-in risk of being more unilateral than mutual—more imagined than real—it’s best to allow some breathing time between responses. And I don’t mean heavy breathing. Further, because two months is a long time for sustaining an intimate relationship with a stranger, it’s best to move for a face-to-face meeting sooner rather than later, before anyone’s emotional investment gets too deep.

Thank you Hara - lots of other good sources I sought suggested the same about meeting as soon as possible.

And so we learn.

signed,

Much wiser now

I AM THE GODDESS

I had a little spin-out on my path to love me, be lovable, love others and realize I needed to get back to my goddess energy...so I repeat the rules of goddess (am fond of Athena):

The 5 rules of goddess behavior (according to Dr. Ali Binizar - The Tao of Dating for women) and today's mantra while I shut down my personal search for my god, Eros.

1) Remember that the goddess exists now and right now.  Claim it.
2) Be of service.  Exercise your power – let it flourish.
3) Be a specialist in your loving gift.  Give your gift fully.
4) The goddess leads with love…she does not wait.
5) The goddess embodies both feminine and masculine energy – major in feminine, minor in masculine.

Energy goes where attention flows

Wise Guys

This last year I have spent more time than in my whole dating career thinking about why it seems so difficult to date, mid-life, in our modern times.

The internet does provide an avenue to know the people out there who are hoping to find something; love, dating, marriage, sex, a travel partner.  We have a profile out there - but our lives are so much more difficult than in our 20's and 30's.  Still, we are more in the dark than if we had met them at work, or at a health club, or at a Greenpeace rally where we can get to know someone over time.

Once we do meet after a few phone calls....I have found guys who are divorced and wanting something - but not quite over the relationship (the unique "we" that was created).  He knows he doesn't want to go back with his ex because she was "whatever" and that didn't work out, but maybe the dynamic they had was comfortable and he hasn't actually dealt with that.  The assets are divided, he lives a separate life in a different place, but the kids are now the biggest issue and lawyers are still involved.  I actually overheard someone say, "I just wish he/she would just go away" about the other half - and I'm not sure murder wasn't on this person's mind.  

We might say we have a baggage free life, but if we printed the truth - everyone has some baggage.  Maybe we want to seem normal - not present our issues too soon because getting to know a new person takes time.  To me my life seems normal and to me my baggage is minimal - but to someone else, maybe not so much.

At times in my dating - I have felt like I have too few pieces of the puzzle of my date to make a wise decision if I should hang in there with the person or move on because I can't deal with the bits of information I'm getting.  Maybe he too grumpy, or distant, or maybe I'm just being juggled with other women and he thinks he's being smooth.  Maybe he sees me as needy if I listen to his rants about his situation with the ex.  All my books say "bla bla bla" about this situation.

At some point - I take a step in the darkness and trust myself.

And yes, now I am in the light because I'm not trying to deal with someone else who only shows me what they want to show me.  And it is just me - and I know me.

Or I take the gamble and stick around a while.

It's risky business for each of us

This time after my train wreck, as I usually do - I invested in me:

Books (pricing is for physical book, not for kindle or audio):

The Tao of Dating; The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible - $40

- by Ali Binazir, MD

- this is a must read for all women, whether dating or not.  He has a version for men as well.  Sound wisdom to love yourself, investing in yourself so you always feel love for yourself regardless what happens, and to be ready for the vision of who you want to be with.  Only then can you be ready to love him.  Just like on the airplane - save yourself, then you can save others.  Offers online supplemental information, blog, and willingness to take questions and give sound advice (on his blog)

All The Rules - time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right - $10

- by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

- scary, and lots of work - but worth a read and deciding if these rules can and should work for your personal style

The Rules for Online Dating - capturing the heart of Mr. Right in cyberspace - $10

- by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

knowing what I already know about online dating, very valid suggestions about how long to stay online and how much to put in an online profile

Meeting your Half-Orange - an utterly up beat guide to using dating optimism - $10

-by Amy Spencer 

-In progress reading this; recognizing who you are and imagining who your other half is and allowing yourself to be the other half to this wonderful man you want to attract

Mr. Unavailable & the fallback girl - $30

- by Natalie Lu

- This book is a little depressing if you realize you have attracted this type before or at least can't see the red flags that your guy is one of these.  Even more depressing if you think you might be the fallback girl.  But what a great wake up to determine you can get your power back and not be this person.

Why Men Love Bitches - $10

- by Sherry Argov

- have only browsed this so far but mom sat with it while dad and I looked over some of their finances and said it looked like some good, solid information.

The Mastery of Love - $12

- by Don Miguel Ruiz

- I just loved The Four Agreements and figured if I was going to love myself a little more - learning more about real love in general would be in order.  Such peaceful wisdom to offer. 

Total - $122

Other "therapy"

Salsa lessons - 4 weeks plus countless social hour dancing, $400.

Extra yoga or spinning classes - $165

Relationship coaching - Dating with Dignity; Beyond the Romantic Rut - 6 weeks of group coaching, The Law of Being series CD's, workbook and journal.  Plus 2 30 minute coaching sessions.  $900.

Membership to 3 months of POF, Match.com, eHarmony and Zoosk - after years of using my church focused sites LDSMingle and LDSPLanet.  Probably $200

- I will give my feedback on each soon.

Prayers - countless spoken prayers on my knees, standing in the woods or at the edge of the cliff at the ocean with a prayer in my heart to help me learn from this experience - FREE

Total books and other therapy = $1,787

There are tons of lonely people looking for love.  We pay money every month to find this elusive thing.  Others are lonely but aren't really ready for the effort.  In this modern age with all the technology we have - I do not really believe cyberspace brings us closer.

Of the dating information out there - the Tao of Dating comes closest to giving good ideas to really meet and find people.

My prayers bring the best answer - not to give up - but to keep looking for self love and love of others

Heard from Caltrain today

...and on most mornings, to the annoyance of many, starting at roughly 7:25 am PST and continuing until about 8:03 am.  Two middle aged chicks lamenting their respective online dating experiences; and one of them is me. 

SVflowerchild profile:  51 year old female, never been married, several train wreck dating experiences, many underwhelming "meh" experiences and probably 2x real 2 way love. Lots of breaks in-between the flops.  Stats: SF Bay Area native, project manager, over educated, strong personality (outside), own home, 2 cats.  Ah HA! all the things the experts say are the causes of singleness (the more educated the woman = least likely she will have to be married, bla bla blahh).  Online dating experiences since 2004 - ldsmingle, ldsplanet, fusion101, POF, match.com, eHarmony.  At this writing - 4 ldrs, many pen pals, and a few casual local dates. The 20's & 30's were all accidental, experimental, friends of friends - what I would call normal dating stuff.  Dating in mid-life with the online candy store as the new market - makes this a whole new game.  Ok, you got my attention - what can I learn.

NY25mph profile:  47 yo female, feature writer and journalist (she can get you published), divorced, survivor, boxing and kickboxing queen, great attitude, one very loved daughter - online dating experiences since 2010 has been a major learning experience - both of herself and men.

This blog will share with you some of the learning.  No real names are used and some of this has to be made up (at least I hope it is).

At my train stop and we began talking about 5 months ago.  Daily NY25mph shares her newest "fish" stories from plenty of fish and me - mostly just my last train wreck lately:

Firefly (not his real "online handle") was a first year divorcee after a 27 year marriage (go ahead, begin the rant, "why would you even talk with a man just out of a 27 year marriage?)  Well, it gets worse.  We started as pen pals, it was fun.  After 2 weeks of getting to know each other inside - we moved to talking and I did wait for him to make the suggestion.  After 2 more weeks of live talking - I'm sold on the idea of visiting him since he cant come to me for several months (this is kiss of death in the rule book; the guy MUST make the first move and visit the girl).  Duh!  He sends flowers, calls during the day, flirts constantly, insists that he is falling for me.  Then our visit comes for me at week 8 and finally it pops for me.  I asked him not to talk about his other dating with me, he has talked about some of his less than satisfying experiences and I just don't need to know about them. A week later, our talking converts to texts.  I sense a disconnect but let it go - by the time I try to mention his distance to him - he is OUT of pocket.  He sends conflicting e-mails, some about our promising future, but he is focusing on family, or friends, everything is so complicated.  I find him on g-mail and ask him what's going on, can we talk.  He says he will - but 2 hrs later I get a series of text that he is staying with friends and needs time to think.  Several days later - I force him to call me - he doesnt know if he is up for a relationship.

Epilogue:  This learned 2 weeks later - he went on a vacation to visit old friends and date a woman he met online and couldn't tell me because I told him I didn't want to know about his other dating.  Eh?  Lie a little vs lie a lot?  Turns me into the needy chick trying to have a phone convo.  Was I played, was he just emotionally unavailable, I think we're moving onto our next date and he's the guy who just wants to move onto the next thrill - new online dating site and lots more women.  We can't really call it a break-up since it never took flight - what is the word - fizzle?

Next!

In retrospect - he was likely the straw that broke the camel's back in my under-educated hit and miss online dating within my religious world.  In subsequent posts I will expound.

NY25mph and I went to several movies, she endured countless days of me in my post mortem from  Firefly.  She did meet a great fishy from Boston who she correctly determined he was probably moving back home.  They do keep in touch.

In my next post - the list and cost of books I read and self-investments to recover and re-group from the last online dating badventure.  Time to wise up.

If you're reading and have any good recommendations or advice - chime in.

SVflowerchild